


Don't Cry, Katie

by Anonymous



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Pidge misses her family, Post-Kerberos Mission, Pre-Series, Sibling Bonding, Some parts are funny some parts are sad idk it's like 50/50, Songfic, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-07 12:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11623866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "...Don’t cry, Katie."Pidge had someone to say those three words to her all her life. From the times she scraped her knees as a kid to when the first bout of dysphoria hit her at twelve, Matt was always there for her.Until the universe took him away.~{insp.}





	Don't Cry, Katie

**Author's Note:**

> my writing playlist is mostly LVGHST, and while i was writing something else the track _Don't Cry Kate_ came on and i got inspired. i recommend turning the song on the first time katie calls herself 'pidge.' you'll know when.
> 
> this fic follows pidge and her relationship with her brother as they grow up. kinda sad kinda happy. enjoy.

A baby girl sits atop an antique wooden high chair, with green smeared across her lips and in her golden curls. There are peas on her fingers, on the table in front of her, everywhere but her bowl, which had fallen to the floor. She's throwing a tantrum, cheeks and eyes cherry red, and she’s slamming her tiny hands down on the table. Her mother sighs.

“Matthew, sweetheart, could you please help your sister?” Colleen Holt asks her son, not looking up from the vegetables she’s slicing. Matt sets his red crayon, the one he’d used to the point that the tip was now flat, down on top of his drawing, a very detailed rocket ship. He’s the kind of kid who scratches patterns (stripes and zigzags, mostly) into crayon wax with a popsicle stick, so he can be more like a ‘professional artist.’

“Sure, mom.” He says and stands up from his spot at the table, then makes his way over to Katie. She sees him approach, and reaches for him with messy hands, crying harder.

“Oh, Katie, you’re such a big mess.” Matt mutters, grabbing a wet wipe from the center of the kitchen table (the Holts keep a box there for this exact reason) and wipes at his little sister’s cheeks, her hands, everywhere, until she’s clean of any of the green goo. “Peas are gross, mom. Why can’t Katie just eat peanut butter? That’s easier to clean up.”

Colleen chuckles. “Because she’s a baby, Matt, and she needs to eat food that is good for her. And knowing your little sister, she’d probably have a fit worse than this one-” she motions to her daughter, who’s stopped screaming, but still has a pout on her lips “-if she got peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth.”

Matt laughs, then hums in agreement. “Can I try to cheer her up?” He asks.

Colleen smiles. “By all means.”

The boy grins and drags his chair across the rug so he can sit next to his sister (on his knees, so he’s a little taller and can see better.) He reaches over and grabs his drawing, then proudly holds it out for Katie to see. She reaches for it, and when Matt pulls it away gently she lets out another frustrated cry.

“Don’t cry, Katie,” Matt says, like he always does. “I’ll show you!” He holds out the drawing again and points to the big red blob in the middle of the paper. “See that? That’s a rocket ship,” He explains, and she sniffles, looking at it curiously. “That’s what astronauts use to go to space. I’m gonna have one one day, and we can go visit every planet in the solar system!”

Matt knows Katie can’t understand him yet, but she seems to be placated by his words anyway. He’s always had a way with his little sister, and her crying begins to ease as she listens to him drone on about his drawing.

“Those are stars- like we see in the sky at night,” Matt explains, pointing out the drops of white tempera paint in the black scribbles. “They’re actually big like the sun, but they’re too far away, so they just look like little dots. If you get a marker and put them together like connect the dots they make pictures- isn’t that cool, Katie? There’s even one that looks like a big spoon. Maybe there’s an ice cream one too!”

The young girl is now practically falling out of her seat trying to reach the drawing, so her brother gives in and hands it over, wincing as it brushes against some green residue still on the plastic tray. _It’s okay,_ he tells himself, still learning not to be frustrated with his baby sister. _He can draw another one, with more colors next time._ Katie rests her tiny hand on a small, white circle in the corner of the paper. Matt grins as she begins to babble, and he takes that as a sign to go on.

“That’s called the moon,” Matt continues. “When wolves see it at night, they yell at it- like this.” He clears his throat and does his best impression of a wolf’s howl, and Katie begins giggling with delight. Colleen smiles fondly at the two of them.

“I don’t know how you do it, Matt,” Colleen says as she watches her children. “She really loves you.”

~

“Matt?”

Matt turns to face his sister as he does the buckle on his bike helmet and smiles. “Yeah, Pidgey?”

Katie looks extremely nervous, and there are hastily wiped tears on her face, but the corners of her lips still quirk up a little at the nickname. Matt just gave her her first couple packs of Pokémon cards for her sixth birthday, enough to make one or two whole decks, and Pidgey immediately became her favorite. In fact, she likes the little bird so much she won’t play the game unless she starts with one in her hand. The nickname caught on fast.

She’s got her own helmet on her head, backward and with the strap twisted, and one hand on the handlebars of her own Power Rangers bike. The Red Ranger and the words “Go go, Power Rangers!” are emblazoned across the pouch on the front of the bike, and Barbie stickers cover the rest of its surface (Katie didn’t want to have to choose from a boy or a girl bike, so she took matters into her own hands. Sam was very proud of her, and praised her problem-solving skills.)

“Can you teach me how to ride a big bike like yours?” Katie asks shyly, staring at his blue two-wheeler in awe. The spokes of the wheels are rusted and the cushion of the seat is torn, so Matt is pretty confused as to why she fawns over it so much, other than the fact that it’s a ‘big bike’.

Matt takes a look at her back wheels, considering the question. His dad had taught him how to use all the tools in the garage (even some of the more dangerous ones like one of the big saws, guiding his hands the whole time of course,) including a screwdriver. So he could probably get her training wheels off, right? 

“No. You’re too small to ride my bike,” he declares, and her face falls again. “But I can take the extra wheels off yours, so you still fit.”

Katie’s smile returns just as quickly as it had left. “Really?” Matt grins and props his bike up on the kickstand.

“Yeah! Follow me.”

Matt leads Katie into the garage as she drags her bike behind her by the handlebars, and stops in front of their dad’s workbench. The toolbox is on the desk, left open to reveal a yellow handled screwdriver sitting on top of the other tools, just waiting to be taken. Matt completely disregards his dad’s warnings about using tools when he’s not there and has to stand on his toes to grab it from the table. Katie watches with wide eyes.

“Aren’t we gonna get in trouble?” She asks incredulously, and Matt shakes his head.

“Not if we don’t tell dad,” Matt replies, forcing a casual tone despite sharing the same fear of a scolding. Gotta be cool for his little sister, right?

Little did he know that this exact remark would start Katie off on a lifetime of getting into trouble, but that’s okay.

It only takes a moment for Matt to get the wheels off the bike; there were only a few screws keeping them on after all. The time comes for Katie to actually her new bike it out, and Matt wheels it to the end of the driveway. Katie sits down on the bike seat, and Matt holds it steady so she doesn’t lose her balance, and once the soles of her light up sneakers touch the pedals it’s time for her to go.

Katie sniffles, and the tears come back. She’s clearly terrified.

“Can you hold on so I don’t fall off?” She asks quietly, holding a hand out to Matt. Her big brother nods, taking her hand in his left and keeping the bike steady with his right.

“Don’t cry, Katie!” Matt reassures her. “ I’ll make sure you don’t fall off!” Katie takes a deep breath, then pushes away her fear and offers a determined grunt in response, and then she’s pedaling and Matt’s pushing the bike down the street. She’s a little wobbly, but not doing too bad, and Matt is there to catch her every time she tilts to one side a little too much. At one point, the bike tire rides over Matt’s toe and he yelps in pain, letting go of Katie’s hand on the handlebars and the bike, and she goes rolling down the street by herself.

“MATT!” She screeches, struggling to steady herself. Matt realizes his mistake but before he can catch the bike, Katie loses control and starts rolling down the hill. She’s speeding up and probably screaming loud enough for the neighbors to be concerned, and Matt starts chasing after her as fast as he can.

“KATIE! PUT YOUR FEET DOWN AND YOU’LL STOP!” He yells. Katie shakes her head.

“I CAN’T, MATT, I CAN’T DO IT!” It’s at that moment that she notices she’s headed straight for a tree, and starts crying harder.

“JUST TRY TO FALL IN THE GRASS! I’M COMING!” Matt’s about fifteen feet behind her when her front wheel collides with the trunk of the tree, and her bike topples over, causing her to hit the grass with an audible _thud._ He practically trips he’s rushing to her side so fast, and falls to his knees immediately so he can help her sit up.

He’s about to ask if she’s okay when she smiles up at him, proudly displaying the gap between her teeth and the scrape on her chin. Suddenly, she’s laughing, and she throws her arms around his neck. “Matt, I did it! I rode all the way down the hill by myself! Now I just have to do it again and not fall this time. Can you watch?”

Matt knows his little sister is going to grow up to be fearless.

~

“It’s a surprise,” Colleen Holt says for what feels like the millionth time, one hand on Matt’s shoulders and the others in Katie’s as she leads them into the front room. “Matt, tell Katie to keep her eyes closed.”

Matt smacks his hand over his sister’s eyes and she giggles, trying to pry it away with little fingers. His eyes are squeezed shut, too, as tight as he can, and Colleen moves to stand in front of the two of them.

“Mom, can we look yet?” Katie whines, starting to get impatient. She’s bouncing up and down and swinging her mom’s hand back and forth. Matt’s a little antsy, too; you can’t promise an eight-year-old (or a thirteen-year-old, for that matter) a present, then expect them to wait too long for it. But Sam is taking a little longer than Colleen expected to return home the gift.

“Your dad is almost home,” She reassures, the kids and Matt decides not to remind her that she said the same thing ten minutes earlier. “Then Matt gets to see first, okay? It’s his birthday after all.”

Katie doesn’t have time to protest before the front door opens, and they hear a loud jingling- keys? a bell? Matt isn’t sure. Colleen tells them they can _finally_ open their eyes, and Matt moves his hands away so both kids can see a small, gray pit bull puppy wriggling in the arms of their dad.

“OH MY GOD!” Matt yells, rushing forwards to take the dog from his father. Sam lets out a hearty chuckle and hands it over, and it’s immediately all over Matt, licking every inch of his face it can reach. Matt can’t stop laughing as the dog squirms in his arms, and Katie just stands there in shock as if her dad had just brought an elephant into the house.

“This is Bae Bae. I just picked her up from the shelter.” Sam says with a grin, then reaches over to ruffle Matt’s hair. “She’s all yours, son. Your mom and I decided you’re finally old enough to be responsible for a pet- think you can handle it?”

Matt straightens up and pushes his shoulders back. “Yes, sir,” He says, and Colleen laughs. The dog wriggles out of his arms and races over to Katie, who drops to her knees and hugs it immediately.

“Bae Bae!” She giggles, and Matt notices the tears in her eyes. The dog leans up and licks them away, and she starts laughing harder.

“Don’t cry, Katie! We’ll share her!” He offers. Katie shakes her head.

“I’m crying because I’m happy, not because I’m jealous!” She replies, scratching behind the dog’s ears. Bae Bae lets out an excited bark, and rolls onto her back, hoping she’ll get tummy scratches as well.

Those were the only kinds tears the Holts ever want to see streaming down Katie’s cheeks. Tears of joy.

~

Nine days until Christmas. At least, that’s what the advent calendar on the wall says.

Katie has only opened up every other chocolate, saving the rest for Matt. Before Matt started his first year at the Garrison, it had been their tradition: Katie would eat the odd numbered chocolates and Matt would eat the even ones.

“I’m the weirder one, so I get to eat the odd days!” Matt had argued. Katie crossed her arms and pouted. 

“You just want the extra number thirty-one!” She whined, and stuck her tongue out at him. Matt gasped and went to pull her toy away out of anger before their dad cut him off.

“Kids,” Sam warned, and both kids immediately stopped bickering. “How about Pidgey gets the odd numbers and Matt gets the even, and you give the last chocolate to your mom? I think she’d appreciate that.”

And that’s what they’ve been doing for the past couple of years. Katie and Matt were nine and fourteen years old now and they still insisted on having a chocolate advent calendar every single Christmas.

“Whatcha thinking about, Katie?” Her dad’s voice pulls her out of her trance, and he takes a seat on the couch next to her. “Excited to see your big brother after all these months?”

Katie nods and rests her head on her dad’s shoulder. “I’m so excited I can’t even think about anything else!” She says dramatically, throwing her hands up in the air. “When’s mom gonna get home? If I don’t see Matt in ten seconds, I think I’m gonna explode.”

“One,” Sam counts, and she gives him a confused look. “Two, three, four… Are you going to explode soon?”

Katie groans and buries her face in her dad’s arm, which only makes him start chuckling. “Dad jokes are the worst.” She says, glad he can’t see her smile. “I’m never gonna make dad jokes when I have kids- I won’t even make mom jokes!”

“Just Katie jokes, then?” Sam asks. Katie nods, actually liking the sound of that. Mom jokes were stupid and so were dad jokes. Katie jokes, now, those were the best.

“Why don’t you tell me some Katie jokes until your mom and brother get back from the Garrison?” Sam suggests. His daughter sits up, excitement clear in her eyes as she begins to tell the dinosaur joke she’d learned the week prior, still excited that she’d finally, after years of waiting, been given permission to watch Jurassic Park.

A few Katie jokes later the two of them hear the front door open, and the sound of pounding footsteps approaching the living room. Matt throws his arms back like an anime character and starts rushing down the hall, Colleen laughing behind him.

“We’re home!” She calls cheerfully, following Matt through the doorway. Katie jumps off the couch and into his arms as soon as she sees him and laughs as he catches her and spins her in a circle.

“PIDGEY!” Matt cries, grunting when he almost drops his sister. “Oh my god, did you eat like, six jars of peanut butter while I was gone? I think you got heavier.” He teases, and Katie balks at him.

“I did not!” She protests, causing Matt to laugh. He sets her down on the floor and hugs her tightly.

“I missed you soooo much,” Katie says through tears, just starting to form in her eyes. Matt can feel them against his neck.

“Don’t cry, Katie.” He croons, pushing her shoulders back so he can look at her. “I have tons of stories from the Garrison, and-” Matt leans over to whisper in her ear. “-I got you some presents from the tech lab.” When he pulls away he winks, and Katie’s eyes light up as she nods eagerly. “I’ll make sure this is your best Christmas ever. It’s gonna be so good that you’ll forget to miss me when I leave again.”

“Are you kidding?” She says, flashing Matt a toothy grin. “This already is the best Christmas I could ever ask for.”

~

“Cheat one more time and I’m kicking your ass from the game.”

“I’ll find a way back in.”

_“Katie.”_

“Those guys were jerks! They fucking deserved that!”

“Pidgey, you can’t set the other team’s speed to 500% and expect there to be no consequences!”

“Consequences my ass! If my account gets suspended, I’ll just make another one!”

Matt groans in frustration, and re-adjusts his wig where it’s digging into his head. In that moment, he regrets ever getting his sister into computer coding. He had no idea that a free account on Scratch would ever lead to him, for the millionth time, feeling guilty about the fact that he and his sister are both playing on pirated Overwatch accounts. He also had no idea that a twelve-year-old was capable of hacking into a server as complex as Blizzard’s, but Katie was full of surprises.

“Besides,” Katie begins with a smirk. “Who lost the bet and has to do everything I say for the next 24 hours?”

“It’s only eight more now, calm down,” Matt says through bared teeth. “I hate you, and I hate this costume.”

“You make a gorgeous Naruto, Matt.”

The two of them Skyping and playing video games way late every Saturday night had become a weekly tradition since Matt had started going to the Garrison. This was his twelfth year of school, and what would have been his last one, until he and Sam found out they’d been accepted for the Kerberos mission and Matt would have to continue school for another two years. Katie, of course, had been ecstatic when she found out her dad and brother would _literally be going to space,_ but the idea of being away from them for so long was absolutely devastating. So she and Matt tried to spend as much time talking to each other as possible, and Overwatch night (or, Overwatch until six in the morning) was something they made sure they never missed.

“Okay,” Matt said, clicking through the game options for a moment. “New game, new group? I think these poor people have had enough of your shenanigans, Katie.”

“Nobody with the name ‘PrinceLotor’ will ever have enough of my shenanigans.” She grumbles, joining the skirmish as Junkrat. “Matt, please don’t play D.Va again, I swear to god.”

“I’m playing D. Va again,” He announces.

“ _Please_ die.”

“I’ve been trying for years, Pidgey.”

The game starts, Matt, Katie, and a few others remaining in their group spawning in Hanamura. They, of course, get right to destroying every arcade game in the map, because what else do you do in a skirmish? They make stupid jokes with their new team and graffiti the map with some dumb and rare sprays for a few minutes until the game starts.

And the enemy team is fucking dominating the Holt siblings’.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!” Katie screams as she’s killed for the fourth time in a row, earning an angry ‘ _KATHERINE!_ ’ from her mom a room over. It wasn’t as if her mother expected much else at this point, she’d been hearing Katie swear from the day she started and knew by now there was no stopping the string of curses that would escape her kids’ mouths as they played video games. Katie calls back a “Sorry, mom!” and gets her head back in the game.

“This team is fucking ridiculous,” Matt muses, popping a grape into his mouth. In the process, he smudges the stripes drawn onto his cheeks with (the only marker he’d had) and leaves a black mark on his face. Katie laughs, watching as he frantically rubs at his cheek.

“Matt, you got a little something…” She trails off and starts laughing as her brother grunts in frustration. She takes out a Genji from the other team. Nice.

“I know, pigeon, I know-” Matt licks his hand and rubs harder, groaning when his whole hand gets covered in black ink. When he facepalms, a black mark appears on his headband, and he cries out in distress.

“SHIT! MY WEEB HEADBAND!” Matt drops the mouse and almost instantly loses his mech, but pays no mind. The metal plate on his headband now has a giant black smudge on it, he realizes, and starts screaming in frustration. When Katie only laughs harder, Matt snaps at her. “COSPLAY IS NOT CHEAP, KATIE! I’M DOING THIS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID BET!”

“DON’T TEST ME ON ADVENTURE TIME, MATT! I WILL ALWAYS WIN!” They’re both giggling maniacally and they’ve definitely lost their game, but they don’t care about anything but their stupid jokes until a confused voice calls out from the doorway behind Matt.

“Uh, Matt?” The person says, and Matt whips around in his chair, sending a bowl of grapes crashing to the floor. Katie quickly mutes her mic and tries to make out the face behind Matt, eventually deciding to fullscreen her Skype window. 

The voice continues. “I was just going to ask if I could borrow your astrophysics textbook, but, I… guess you’re busy?”

“Uhhhhh…” Matt stares at the figure for a moment. Katie tries to identify the man- tall, dark hair, pale skin… she knew Matt was getting a new roommate soon, but did that happen already? Is this him? 

“...you don't need to be awake right now, Takashi.” Matt deadpans, knowing full well how absurd he looks. It’s three in the morning and here he is, playing Overwatch with his sister in full Naruto cosplay, eating grapes. 

The man, ‘Takashi’, stares at Matt for a moment, then slowly nods and exits the room. Beneath the black, Katie sees her brother’s cheeks heat up (thank god he’d invested in such a high-end webcam), and it takes her a minute of teasing before she realizes one, her mic is still muted, and two, it’s highly unlikely that there’s more than one Takashi at the Garrison.

Takashi Shirogane, the actual, literal Takashi Shirogane, legend amongst Garrison kids, had just caught her brother in the worst moment possible. Matt, who’d idolized (and was probably pretty gay for, if they were being honest) Shiro for the past six years, had just gotten his dreams crushed at the hands a weeb headband.

Katie turns her mic back on, and prepares to give Matt the worst roast of his life.

“Was that,” she begins, trying her damnedest to keep her composure. “who I think it was?”

Matt chokes. “Uh, well, it definitely wasn’t Bruce Wayne, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“MATT!” Katie slams her hands down on the table, then covers her mouth, breaking out into hysterics. “THAT WAS SHIRO! TAKASHI SHIROGANE! TAKASHI SHIROGANE JUST WALKED IN ON YOU IN _NARUTO_ COSPLAY-”

“DON’T RUB IT IN!” Matt cries, then hides his face in his hands. Both of them ignore Athena telling them they’d lost their game and the angry reactions from the people in their group. Katie can tell how embarrassed he is and almost, _almost_ feels bad, but the look on Shiro’s face had just been too good.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” She says, and isn’t. “It’s just- oh god- I can blackmail you with this forever.” She wipes her tired eyes with her hand, just noticing she’d started to tear up. Matt sees the motion and balks at her.

“DON’T CRY, KATIE!” Matt snaps at her, and actually debates turning his video off because his sister is such a shit. “It’s not that funny! Oh my god, Katie, it’s really not that funny.”

“It _is_ that funny.”

“You’ve betrayed me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Katie’s hysterics begin to ebb, and she starts feeling a little sympathy for her older brother. “But this is just payback for the time you filled my room with inflatable pool sharks just because I said you couldn’t buy one.”

“Touché.” Matt agrees, eating a grape straight from the floor.

~

“Turn?”

Katie tousles her hair back and slowly spins in a circle, showing off the satin green dress that hangs loosely from her small frame. It had belonged to her mother, whose tall genes she (unfortunately) hadn’t inherited, so it was still a little big on her, the chest area especially. But with a few pins and some careful hemming, it hung just below her knees and wasn’t uncomfortably large. Colleen covers her mouth with her hands as she gasps, and her daughter flashes her a sheepish grin.

“Is it, uh, good?” Katie asks, tugging the front of the dress upwards. It has a v-shaped neckline that doesn’t drop low enough to be immodest, but Katie is still NOT happy or comfortable in the garment. Colleen doesn’t seem to pay any mind to this, however, more caught up in how beautiful her daughter looks.

“Oh my god, Katherine, you look gorgeous.” She whispers, playing with Katie’s curls so they better frame her face. Katie winces, for some reason not liking having the word ‘gorgeous’ pertaining to her. The whole ‘having to wear a dress’ thing has her in a sour mood already, so she supposes it has something to do with that. Dresses are fine, usually, but with glitter, hair, and makeup included? It was torture for her.

“You’ll stand out in the crowd,” Her mother murmurs, running her hands up and down Katie’s arms with a fond smile on her face. “Like a rose among thorns. You’re turning into such a beautiful young woman. I’m so, so proud of you.”

“Mom,” Katie protests. “Maybe I _shouldn’t_ stand out. This is Matt’s graduation, not mine.”

Colleen gives a slight shrug. “I know, sweetheart. But you still look stunning.” Katie’s expression doesn’t change, and when her mother gives her a small frown, Katie’s eyes fall to the floor. “Hey,” she whispers. “What is it?”

“Uhh…” Katie struggles to think of something to tell her mother. “I’m… thinking about Kerberos.” She says. There. Not 100% a lie.

Colleen’s smile falters. “Oh. Yes.” She bites her lip, then nods. “So am I, I suppose. But today we-”

“WHEREEEE’S KATIE?” Matt suddenly calls from a room over. “I heard she actually put a dress on! I wanna see!”

“She’s in here!” Colleen calls, her tone changing instantly. Katie puts on a fake smile as her brother walks into the room, wearing his freshly ironed Garrison uniform.

“I’m here!” Katie says, holding her arms out and turning her hips to twirl her skirt. “Look how swishy I am, Matt. I’m like a forest princess.”

“It’s green,” Matt replies with a smirk. Katie cocks her head. “Everything you own is green. Why? What is this, Green Ranger?”

“Shut up.” Katie punches him in the chest. Colleen seems to fall for the act and leans up to give Matt a kiss on the forehead before stepping out of the room, saying something about finding Sam that neither of them caught.

As soon as she’s gone, both their faces fall. “What’s wrong, Katie? You used the code word.” He asks. ‘Swishy.’ She bites her lip, not entirely sure what’s wrong herself.

“What’s that word you taught me the other day?” Katie asks, wringing her hands together nervously. “When you were telling me about your trans friend, and how she was upset about her voice?”

Matt’s brows furrow. “Dysphoria?” He suggests.

Katie quickly nods. “Yes. Dysphoria. I don’t know- um- if-” Matt’s eyes widen when he realizes where she’s going, and she shrinks beneath his gaze.

“I don’t like this dress.” She says quietly. “I- I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t take it off, and I don’t know why. I’ve felt like this for a few months. And I don’t get it, because sometimes I _do_ like dresses, and other times putting all my hair up in a hat and pretending I’m not a girl feels better. It doesn’t- _none of this makes sense, Matt!”_

Katie doesn’t know when she started crying, but now tears are streaming down from her eyes, and she’s thankful that her mother chose the waterproof eyeliner over the normal kind. “I’m sorry- this is supposed to be your night. I’m sitting here crying and it’s your graduation night of all things-”

Before Katie can continue, Matt wraps his arms around her waist, and she stiffens. Once she’s relaxed, she throws her arms around his necks and sobs, sobs like she never has before.

“Pidgey,” he croons, running a hand through her hair comfortingly. She only sniffles in response, and he sighs.

“I know none of this makes sense, and, I can’t relate to you, so I’m sorry about that. But nothing you’re feeling is wrong, or bad, or- or anything like that, okay?” He’s not doing a good job, he knows it, but he keeps talking anyway. “I don’t care if you’re my little sister, or my little brother, or both or neither, but- _shit,_ we’re leaving in ten minutes.” 

Katie whips her head up to look at the wall clock, and he’s right, they don’t have much longer before they have to leave. Suddenly she’s wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand, trying to make herself presentable again, and Matt is sighing and wishing he could say more.

“Are you going to be okay just for the night?” Matt asks as Katie slides her feet into a pair of forest green heels.

“Yeah. Thank you, Matt.” She says and gives him a sweet smile, one he knows isn’t real. He wipes at her nose with his sleeve, then steps back.

“I believe in you, Pidgey.” He whispers.

-

Matt has graduated from four years at the Garrison, and will soon be heading off for even more school to prepare himself for the Kerberos mission. Thanks to her brother’s comfort, Katie wears the dress to the event and doesn’t have a major mental breakdown, much to both their relief. Washing off the makeup and taking the braids out of her hair that night is refreshing, and then she feels like herself again.

Two days pass, and after a night out with some friends, Katie returns home. It’s late when she finally steps through the front door, and the house is quiet except for the pitter patter of Bae Bae’s claws as she runs down the hall to greet Katie. Her parents are asleep and Matt is out with Shiro ( _not_ on a date, much to her disappointment), so she’s the only one awake.

Katie tiptoes up the stairs to her room and dumps her backpack near her bed, then quietly shuts the door behind her. When she switches the light on, she notices a brown paper package on her pillow, and double-takes.

The package is small and thin, maybe the size of her tablet, with a poorly tied green bow and notebook paper card taped to the outside. Katie snorts, not having to look at the name on the card to know who it’s from. She picks it up, turns it over in her hand, then tears through the paper.

It’s a small, tan colored garment- but she’s not quite sure what. Katie unfolds it and is met with what looks to be a too-small sports bra, with velcro instead of a zipper or clasp. She has to stare at it in confusion for a moment before she realizes what it is, eyes widening. Katie gasps, surely loud enough to wake her parents, and her hands fly over her mouth.

Matt had gotten her a binder.

How? Where? She had no idea. Katie had been researching binders ever since the first bout of dysphoria had started, thinking for sure she’d never have one (she had no idea how to explain to her parents why she’d need such a thing), and now there was one in her hands. A binder. A real, legitimate binder, not the XS sports bra that she’d been using for the past few months, which had dug into her so hard she’d gotten bruises. 

She scrambled through her blankets for the paper card, which had fallen from the package long ago. Matt had folded it into fourths- like he always did -and had written in a green gel pen that he’d stolen from her the week before. It read:

_“ I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more a few days ago, but hopefully this makes up for it. I got you this to help with your dysphoria. Hopefully. This is what my NB friend suggested._

_They told me to tell you this; don’t sleep in it. Don’t exercise in it. Don’t wear it for more than eight hours, and take breaks if you need to. You might explode if you don’t. Maybe. Not really sure about that. How do boobs work, Pidgey? Is that a rude thing to ask?_

_Idk. Anyways._

_Like I said before graduation, whether you’re a boy or girl or both or neither, you’re still Pidgey, you’re still a piece of shit and I’m still always gonna love you. You can talk to me about anything, okay?_

_Please don’t cry, Katie._

_Matt. ”_

~

One summer was not enough time with her dad and brother before they left to prepare for Kerberos.

They’d done everything they possibly could together- movie nights twice a week, family dinners every night, a vacation to Florida (Matt and Katie had wanted to go to ‘The Wizarding World of Harry Potter’, and Colleen, a proud Hufflepuff, couldn’t say no), a road trip to see their grandparents in California (the highlight being their trip to Buttercup Valley where they’d found blown up pieces of the _Return of the Jedi_ set), and destroyed each other at Monopoly.

But all the fun times have passed, and today marks three weeks since Katie has seen Matt, and over a month since she’s seen her dad. Before Kerberos, it had been alright; her dad came home from work every night and Matt came home every weekend he could. Now, they had no spare time at all, and hardly ever even talked on the phone. Overwatch night pretty much never happened anymore, and Katie was stuck in an endless loop of getting herself banned and unbanned for ridiculous reasons (what used to be her favorite hobby, but now was too sad and boring for her to enjoy.)

Colleen had gone out with some friends for a girl’s night, which Katie had denied the invitation to. So she’s alone in her room, nobody to accompany her but Bae Bae.

Bae Bae senses Katie’s sadness and misses the boys herself, so she’s been very mopey recently, not even wanting to catch the frisbee. The two of them and their mom practically cling to each other now, needing the company and missing the noise of Matt’s video games and Sam’s tools in the garage.

The pit bull gets up from her spot at the end of Katie’s bed and wiggles her way under her arm, and Katie scoops her up into a hug instantly. The both of them had crawled into bed what felt like hours ago, but sleeping was impossible like this. Katie reaches over to her bedside table and checks her phone- 10 PM, not even that late. Her mom should be home soon.

It’s then that the thought crosses her mind that maybe, her dad is awake. Scratch that, she knows he is, it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s too busy to talk. Which is likely.

But it doesn’t hurt to check, right?

Katie turns her phone on again and inputs her password. It doesn’t take long before her contacts are pulled up, and she’s on her favorites screen, ‘Matt the Radar Technician’ and ‘My father will hear about this’ at the top of her list. She hesitates, for just a moment, then taps on the latter, sure to put it on speaker so Bae Bae can hear too.

One ring. Two. Three. Four. She’s starting to lose hope.

Until there’s a pop, and an exhausted voice sounds from her speaker.

“Katie!” Sam says with an audible grin. Bae Bae bolts upright, and Katie starts to giggle. “How are you, kiddo? What are you doing up so late? It’s a school night.”

“Sorry, dad. I couldn’t sleep, and I thought you’d probably be awake.” She says, reaching over to scratch her dog’s head. “Bae Bae hears you. She’s staring me down.”

“Bae Bae! Hey there, you little turd!” The dog cocks her head, and Katie snorts. “What have my three favorite girls been doing?”

Katie lays back down, finally feeling relaxed. “Well, mom’s out with her friends having wine I think. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Bae Bae caught a bird yesterday after barking at it for a whole week. It’s okay, don’t worry. And me? I’ve gotten banned from Overwatch six times today.” The pride is clear in her voice as she tells him the last bit, and her father chuckles.

“That’s a record, huh?” Sam asks. She hums in response.

“Yup. I’ve graduated from making people run too fast to making them spin in circles endlessly while the Beyblade theme plays.” Sam chokes and has to take a minute to breathe because he’s laughing so hard at that mental image. “Thanks, dad. Don’t ask how I managed to rig that.”

He grins. “I’m proud of you, Katie.” He says it in the same tone of voice he uses when she came home with a good test grade. Katie glows.

“So what have you and Matt been doing, dad?” She asks. “Matt getting anywhere Shiro?”

Her dad laughs again. “He’s too stuttery to say anything yet, but they’ve been together a lot recently, so I’m hoping something good comes out of that. But, work-wise? I actually can’t tell you much. Sorry, pigeon.”

Katie huffs. “Oh, well.” There’s a clattering noise from the other end, and she pauses. “Uh, dad? Are you busy?”

“Well…” Sam begins. There’s another crash. “Yes, actually. How about I hand you over to your brother? I need him to go grab something for me, and he can talk on the way down.”

Katie practically jumps out of bed, scaring Bae Bae so badly she yelps. “YES! Oh, sorry, honey!” She begins apologizing profusely to the dog, and Sam calls for Matt.

There’s some rustling, and then he picks up the phone. “What’s the password?” Matt asks in a nasal voice. Katie figures he must be plugging his nose.

Katie replies without hesitation. “Shiro’s thighs,” she deadpans.

Matt chokes. “Okay, _no,_ but I’ll accept it anyways. You may speak to Matt Holt.” He clears his throat, pauses for effect, then greets his sister for a second time. “PIDGEY! I missed you! How are you?”

“I’m fantastic,” Katie replies through laughter. “What are you doing? You sound like shit.”

“Getting dad a wrench he doesn’t need,” Matt replies. Katie can hear him walking down the hall painstakingly slowly. “It was just an excuse to get us out of the room to talk. Probably because he thinks I’ll want to gush to you about Shiro or something. And I sound like shit because I’m sick.”

She frowns. “You are?”

“Yes,” Matt replies, sucking in a breath. “I am.”

“Stress cold?”

“Yup. A migraine and sleep deprivation, too.”

Katie’s tone changes from teasing to sympathetic. “Oh my god, Matt,” she says. Matt sniffs, then yawns, only furthering her concern. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Absolutely not.” This is when Matt realizes he’s probably killing the happy mood. “Sorry. I’m being a wet blanket.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been a wet blanket all day.” Katie confesses. She debates how much she wants to tell Matt about the last week, what with all the emotions and the dysphoria, and how worried she is about all the wine her mom has been drinking. After a moment’s hesitation, she decides it’s too much to dump on him at once, and only states the obvious. “I just really miss you guys,” she says.

But Matt knows her too well and can tell there's more on her mind than she's letting him know. Katie hears him stop walking, and she swallows. 

“What else is going on, Pidgey?” Matt asks gently. 

“Uh, Bae Bae got her head stuck in an empty cereal box today, that's a thing that went on.” Katie knows that sarcastic remarks aren't going to get her anywhere, but tries anyway. Old habits. 

_“Pidge.”_ He says her name one more time, and that's when she gives up. 

She takes a deep breath, then spills. 

Katie starts talking a mile a minute, listing off every single thing that’s kept her from sleeping the past few nights: her mom's drinking, the tear in her binder, how much she missed him and their dad, and how worried she is that something might happen on the mission. Matt stays quiet the whole time, patiently waiting until she finishes her rambling, and tries not to start tearing up. The Holt kids are known to be very emotional, and when one’s upset, the other is, too. 

Katie has already begun crying softly. Everything's hurting, again. It has for too long now.

Both Katie and her brother are quiet now, her quiet sobs the only thing filling the silence. Matt sucks in a breath, then slowly lets it out as he tries to put together something comforting to say. 

“...Don’t cry, Katie.” He begins, like he always does. “Believe me, I'm terrified, too. But- it's gonna be okay. We can talk to mom, and we can get you a new binder. I’m sure we can find Bae Bae a friend to play with, we know tons of people with dogs. And dad and I can try to call as much as we can. Hell- I'll skip classes if I have to. Shiro can just give me his notes.”

“You can't skip class, Matt,” Katie warns. “It's not worth getting kicked from the mission.”

“I don't care.” Matt lies. “Not if it means I can see you and mom again.”

Katie sighs and wipes her eyes with her sleeve. “Yes, you do. You've wanted this your whole life, Matt. So has dad. And me. And mom.” Matt goes silent for a few moments.”

“...I know.” He says finally. “I'll find time to at least text you, though. I’m worried about you now.”

“Thanks, Matt.” She says, even though she hates being worried about.

“No problem.”

~

Staying up until four in the morning is something that Katie is used to.

She plays video games. She works on random code projects. She talks to Matt. She watches paranormal documentaries that for some reason just won’t scare her anymore. She watches YouTube videos by gamers she stopped keeping up with months ago and top ten lists for things she’ll never care about. She’ll do whatever she can to keep herself occupied on her laptop, just because being bored is better than being asleep. 

Now, waking up at four in the morning? That’s not something she’s used to.

It was a miracle her brain had even let her rest the night prior, a million hopes and worries dancing through her mind. About her dad and her brother and Shiro. About the Kerberos mission. About the launch the following day.

But when she had fallen asleep? She slept like a log, deep in a dreamless slumber. It’s almost as if her body knew how much rest she’s been deprived of and had decided to be nice to her, for once. So nice that her father has trouble waking her up in the morning, but it isn’t as if she’s much of an alarm clock person anyway.

“Katie,” he whispers, shaking her shoulder gently. Bae Bae is sitting by his side on Katie’s gray carpet, tail wagging, still excited that he’s home. “Time to wake up, kiddo. Today’s the day!”

Katie blinks her eyes open and tries to make sense of his remark. “Today’s… uh… Tuesday?” She says groggily, and sits up, rubbing at her puffy eyes. Her father laughs softly and stands up from where he’d been kneeling by her bed.

“Guess I’ll be making you a cup of coffee, huh?” Sam jokes. “Today’s the day of the mission, Katie. I let you sleep while your mother made breakfast, so when you come downstairs it’ll be ready.”

Katie kicks herself. _Kerberos._ How could she have forgotten?

She starts thinking, and she’s not sure when her dad leaves the room. She’s not sure how or when she sheds her pajamas and exchanges them for a purple and white dress, the one her mother wants her to wear today. Sliding her arms through the silky sleeves, she’s just glad it’s a girl day.

Matt’s got two waffles slathered in peanut butter on a plate when she walks down the stairs. He slides it to her from across the kitchen table, and she sits down and gladly accepts it.

“I cannot believe,” Colleen begins, slicing strawberries and putting them into a small bowl. “It’s the morning of your mission, the last world famous mom breakfast you’ll have in over a year, and you still wanted to eat toaster waffles, Matthew Holt.” Matt gives a slight shrug, and shoves an entire waffle into his mouth, sure to get enough peanut butter on his cheeks that his sister will laugh.

“Toaster waffles are the _best_ , mom.” He says, although his words are muffled. She gives him a pointed look, but says nothing. Katie mirrors his actions, and her father snorts.

“Have you two ever tried eating the food?” He teases, popping a blueberry into his mouth. Katie sticks out her tongue at him.

“Trust me, dad, this is better.” She says with a grin. Sam raises an eyebrow, then scoops a fingerful of peanut butter straight from the jar, and plops it onto Katie’s nose. She makes a disgusted noise and starts wiping it away with her napkin, and the whole family laughs. Colleen joins them at the table and Sam reaches over to take her hand, and after all these years of being with him, her cheeks still darken.

The Holt family continues to eat and chat for around an hour. Katie has her coffee, finally, and at about five AM they all pile into the car, Sam behind the wheel, and head off to the launch site. Colleen and Sam’s hands are still together even as he's driving.

Katie's seatbelt is unbuckled the whole way there. She’s pressed into Matt’s side, and he’s got an arm around her, tapping his fingers against her arm to a non-existent rhythm. The four of them are laughing and exchanging playful remarks, talking as if their lives aren’t about to change forever. They talk about their future, their life after Kerberos, the discoveries they’ll make. How proud they all are of each other for making it this far. How much they’ll miss each other for the next couple of months.

Because… it’s not as if they know, right?

The launch site is about an hour drive from home, but it feels like they're in the car for mere minutes with how immersed they are in their conversations. When the Holt family arrives and steps out into the dry desert air, the sun has just barely risen above the horizon, causing the orange sand upon which they’re walking to sparkle. The family makes their way up to the group of people standing near the ship, Katie sitting on her dad’s shoulders so she can get a better view.

It’s like nothing she’s ever seen before. Katie’s used to seeing cargo ships and small probes and rovers, but she’s never seen a real rocket. It’s tall and mighty and beautiful and looks like something from a science fiction film rather than something that should be standing before her. And the fact that this is the vessel that Matt and her dad will be using to explore the stars just makes it so much more surreal.

It’s a lot for Katie to take in. There are probably fifty people outside, none of whom she recognizes. One by one they walk up to Sam and Matt and shake their hands with excited smiles, and do the same for Colleen and Katie, despite having to stand on their toes to reach her. Some people are laughing excitedly and some people are forcing professionalism, but no matter how hard they try nobody can hide the emotions they’re feeling as they finally see their years of work pay off.

Then suddenly, Matt is calling her name, and when she looks he’s a few feet ahead, motioning for her to follow him. She hops down from her dad’s shoulders and follows him as he weaves through the crowd of chattering people, all the way to where two men were smiling at each other fondly. It doesn’t take Katie long to realize that she’s standing in front of Takashi Shirogane, one of her heroes, and suddenly she’s short-circuiting.

The boy talking to Shiro doesn’t look much older than Katie, probably a sophomore at the most. He notices Matt and his sister’s arrival and taps Shiro on the shoulder, and the biggest grin breaks out on the man’s face when he turns and sees Matt.

“Matt!” Shiro scoops the boy up and spins him around, leaving Katie and the dark haired boy watch with confused laughter. Matt cries out and kicks his legs until Shiro drops him, and it’s not hard to miss the blush in his cheeks.

“Wow, okay, I missed you too, dude.” Matt teases, then motions to Katie. “Takashi, this is my little sister Katie. She’s probably your biggest fan.” Katie stiffens, then gives a shy wave, and Shiro holds out his hand for her to shake it. Gingerly, she accepts it, and gives it a nervous shake.

“Uh, hi.” Is all she manages. Shiro gives her a kind smile.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Katie. Matt and your father have told me so much about you.” He says, then drops her hand and motions to the boy beside him. “Speaking of siblings, this is Keith. I guess he’s my unofficial younger brother, what with how long we've known each other.”

Keith gives a small nod and doesn’t move away from Shiro. “Nice to meet you.” Is all he says.

Matt and Shiro are the ones holding the conversation. Katie is still nervous as hell and not saying much but her anxiety is starting to ebb, and Keith is hardly talking at all. They chat idly about life for a few minutes, until Colleen calls out to the four of them, and they turn to see her holding up a green Instax Mini camera with sharpie constellations decorating its surface.

“Smile, kids!” She says, finger ready on the capture button. The four squish together, Shiro with his arms around Matt and Keith, and Katie standing in the middle in front of them. There’s a flash, and then the photo prints and Colleen begins to shake it gently.

“Now, just one of my kids in front of the ship. Shiro, would you like a picture with your friend afterward?” Colleen asks, and Shiro and Keith step aside.

“That would be great, thank you, Mrs. Holt,” Shiro says with a grin.

Matt and Katie each wrap an arm around each other and smile as their mother takes the picture. When she’s finished and it’s had time to develop, she hands the printed copy to Matt for the two of them to look at. Katie gets a little emotional when she realizes it’s the last picture the two of them will take together for a long time. Matt looks up at her face as she studies the picture, and hands it over.

“You can keep it, Pidgey.” He says with a smile. “I already have one in my bag, with all of us in it.” 

More pictures are taken and more laughs are shared. Last moments are savored and last smiles are shared. Soon, though, it’s time for the three men to board. 

Shiro and Keith are holding onto each other tightly nearby, and Sam is kissing his wife. The Holt’s exchange hugs and goodbyes, and there’s not a single dry eye between the six of them.

“Don’t get into too much trouble while we’re gone now, alright kiddo?” Sam says, ruffling his daughter’s hair. She sniffles, and gives a slight shrug.

“I mean… What constitutes as trouble?” Katie asks, making everyone in the vicinity laugh. Matt hugs her next.

“I’m gonna miss you, pigeon.” He whispers as she throws her arms around his shoulders. Katie lets out a shuddery sigh and Matt pulls away to look at her, then wipes a stray tear away as it begins to trail down her cheek.

“Don’t cry, Katie.” He says, like he always does. “All you have to do is look out your window up at the sky, and we’ll be right there, alright?”

Katie grins, tasting tears on her lips. “I know.”

~

All her life, Katie has hated watching the news.

Really, it’s just too depressing for her; the news channels only ever show off the bad in the world and never any of the good, and she just doesn’t understand how anyone can sit down and listen to an overpaid reporter drone on for hours on end about the same stories they do every day. It’s rare that anyone ever talks about scientific discoveries or positive movements around the world, the kind of things Katie actually wants to hear about, and instead just about war and money and politics (which are, as far as she’s concerned, all the same thing.)

Colleen, however, likes to be 'in the know' (an expression she heard Matt use exactly once) and has the news running 24/7 on the living room tv when Katie's not using it. It’s been five months since her dad and brother left, and Colleen has been addicted to the television since, and Katie wonders she needs to hear the sounds of people living while Katie’s at school.

One night, Katie hears the tv turn on downstairs, but doesn’t pay much mind to it. Despite the sound being muffled, she can still make out the voice of a female reporter whose name she can’t put her finger on. She sounds monotone, as all reporters do to Katie, only fake sympathy in her voice as she talks about what Katie assumes to be a sad story. She doesn’t try to make out the words, instead just tries to fall back asleep.

Her mind begins to wander, as it always does this late at night. She hasn’t been sleeping well recently, or at all for the past five months, and knowing she’s going to school in the morning isn’t helping. It’s not as if eighth grade is hard or bad at all, she actually really enjoys it, but school is school, and she's just exhausted.

Ten minutes pass and Katie realizes that her mother has been watching the same news story on loop the entire time. The pacing and the ups and downs of the reporter's voice sound as if they've been repeating themselves.

Katie frowns; that's never a good thing. She gets out of bed and checks her phone for the time- two AM. It's two in the morning and her mom is watching the same news segment over and over again, probably with a glass of wine in her hand, and- did Katie just hear her cry?

Her stomach drops. Somehow, she already knows what she's about to see, despite not having moved from her bed yet.

As quick and as quietly as she can, Katie creeps out of her room and down the stairs, just in time to see her mother pick up the remote and rewind the tv again. She hasn’t even changed into pajamas yet, and she’s clutching her hands over her heart and shaking silently as she watches. It's like she's in a trance, and Katie is terrified, no clue how long her mother has been like this.

The story starts out with a video of her dad and brother’s ship taking off- just like she’d witnessed five months prior. In big white letters in on the bottom of the screen, Katie sees the words ‘KERBEROS MISSION DISAPPEARS PILOT ERROR.’

“The Galaxy Garrison mission to the distant moon Kerberos is missing, and all crew members are believed to be dead.” Says the woman on the tv. “The Galaxy Garrison has said the crash was presumably caused by pilot error. It is indeed a sad day for all of humanity.” 

Katie’s mouth hangs open as she listens, and when the woman finishes, angry tears form in her eyes. How _dare_ she? How dare this woman speak of her family like that, with such practiced sympathy in her voice? How dare the Garrison pin the blame of the death of her family on Shiro, when he was-

The death of her family.

_All crew members are believed to be dead._

The words finally hit her fully, slamming into her like a fucking truck, and then she’s screaming.

“TURN IT OFF!” Katie cries, racing to grab the tv remote from her mom. Colleen startles and whips around to face her daughter, fresh tears trailing down her shocked and confused face. “THEY’RE LYING, THEY’RE ALL LYING, _MOM,_ TURN THE TV OFF!”

“Katherine-” Colleen immediately stands up, rushing to her daughter's side. When she tries to go in for a hug, Katie pulls away harshly. “Katie, sweetheart, please go to bed, you shouldn’t be awake right now-”

But Katie cuts her off with another frustrated yell. How could her mom say that to her? How was she supposed to sleep now, when she'd just been told her dad and brother were dead? When these people were _lying to her face?_

Katie goes for the remote again and Colleen grabs her arms, letting out a terrified _“NO!”_ and yanking her backward onto the floor. Colleen gasps, realizing what she'd just done, and tries to pull her daughter up, but Katie curls in on herself, beginning to sob.

“It’s not _real,_ mom!” She cries. Colleen sits down next to her on the floor, trying to control her tears so Katie doesn't have to see, as if she hasn't already. “You can’t listen to them, they’re lying to us!”

Colleen inhales shakily and squeezes her eyes shut. _Be strong,_ she thinks. _For Katie._

“Katie, look at me,” Colleen says in the best motherly tone she can manage. “It’s gonna- we’re gonna be-”

“Don’t say that,” Katie snaps. She watches her mother’s expression go from worried to hurt, and then Katie’s sprinting up the stairs so she can lock herself in the bathroom, tears cascading down her cheeks like a waterfall. She slams the door shut and throws her whole weight against it, then sinks to the floor. Colleen doesn’t bother to follow her.

They’re gone. Matt’s gone. Her father’s gone. _Dead._

No, they can’t be dead, she decides. That’s not possible. There’s no way.

_They can’t be._

Katie’s crying so hard she wants to vomit, but she doesn’t think anything would come out, she feels so empty. There’s a gaping hole in her and everything is pouring out in the form of the tears falling from her eyes. Every happy memory with her family plays through her head and then slips away until she’s sitting in a pool of laughs, old smiles, and moments she’ll never be able to experience again, until she feels empty and dry, and there’s nothing left for her to do but sit on the floor and heave.

And this time, there’s no one there to say ‘Don’t cry, Katie.”

~

A lot of things can happen in two years.

Katherine Holt never expected that in two years, she’d go from the sad girl who spent nights searching the stars from her roof, who wasted time building worthless equipment and mulling over conspiracy theories, who hacked into the Garrison’s classified files and got herself a lifetime ban, who made it through another year of school only because of chocolate coffee and antidepressants, who stopped taking care of herself and thought of nothing and no one but her dad and brother, to Pidge Gunderson, Defender of the universe.

To Pidge Gunderson, who fights day and night to keep the universe safe. Who’s part of a legendary team that’s been saving people from evil for over ten thousand years. Who shares a mystical bond with her vessel and an unbreakable bond with six of the greatest people she’s ever met. Her best friends, who are close enough to be family. Who _are_ family. There’s no denying that.

She also never expected that, in two years, she’d be closer than she ever has to finding Matt.

Pidge and Coran have been working for months now, sorting through video feeds and meeting rebellions and doing everything they can to find Matt. He's her right-hand man, always there to provide her with information about different planets and peoples and who they are and where they may be. 

And one night, when Pidge hacks into the video feed of a Galra base on a nearby planet, she finally finds him.

He’s with a group of six other people and they're rushing through the base, effortlessly taking out every Galra soldier they pass. Matt has a staff, and _hell, he knows how to use it,_ and it’s making Pidge laugh because it was always his weapon of choice when they played fantasy games as a kid (he used a stick.) She watches as he and three other rebels cover for two as they blow a hole in a wall, then start pulling people out, freeing them from a Galra prison cell. She watches as he scoops up a little girl with choppy hair similar to hers and runs, desperately trying to get her to safety.

Pidge never expected that, after two years, Matt would be a defender of the universe, too.

It isn’t long before the Green Lion is outside of the castle and racing through star systems towards the planet Carinor, where Pidge's brother is _alive, alive and a hero, just like her._ She laughs excitedly as the planet comes into view, and soon enough her lion is landing near the base, and she’s sneaking inside.

She’s done this a million times before. Take down the drones. Reprogram them. Don’t let the guards see her, and if they do, use her bayard and show no mercy. You think a fifteen-year-old would be more afraid sneaking into an alien base with no backup, but she’s not. It’s not like she’s the only good guy here.

She’d been able to access a map of the base and was now making her way to the prison at full speed, paying no mind to her aching lungs and legs. She’s so close- she can hear the shouting through the wall, people being rushed to exist, people cheering as they are freed.

When Pidge turns the corner, Matt’s the first person she sees. He’s hugging a short alien woman with tears in her eyes, the little girl he’d freed clinging to her leg. She walks off, and the last of the prisoners- the _people_ come rushing out of the cells. Pidge watches the look on Matt’s face when he realizes they did it, that everyone is safe, and when he spots her in the corner of the room.

He’s confused, for a moment, wondering why the hell the Green Paladin of Voltron is standing before him, and then Pidge rips her helmet off, shaking out her curls as she throws it aside. Matt’s eyes widen and suddenly he’s screaming _“KATIE!”_ as she starts running towards him. His staff falls to the floor and then he's sprinting, too, and the whole room watches as they collide, immediately falling to the floor in each other’s arms.

Pidge feels a million emotions in that moment: happiness, excitement, relief. But the one that sticks to her the most is homesickness. At first, it's for her hard to put a finger on why. Why she's associating such a negative emotion with the reunion she's been looking forward to for two years. Homesickness means missing something, or someone; the sound of Matt's voice, his stupid pranks and jokes, his overprotective nature, or his annoying brotherly teasing. And it's not as if she has to miss it now, because Matt is right here.

And then she realizes _why_ she feels homesick. It's the same kind of homesick you get when you come home from a long trip and step into your bedroom for the first time in weeks, and everything is exactly how you left it. You know that, yes, you missed the comfort of your own bed, but you start to realize how much you missed the pens scattered across your desk or the socks on your floor, too. That's when you start to feel that late homesickness, and you realize just how important those little things are to you, and Pidge realizes this as soon as Matt hugs her, and starts tracing stars into her back with his fingers, just like he'd do when she was little because it made her feel better. She knew she missed her brother, and like hell did she miss him, but know that he’s back she finally remembers what she missed.

She's safe. Matt's safe. They're together. She doesn't have to look up at the stars and worry anymore, worry about what could be happening to her big brother, or if she'll ever see him again. She'll be able to fight the Galra by his side, and they'll be heroes, just like they pretended to be as kids. The best friend she grew up with is back, and finally, she's happy again.

But most importantly, she's Katie Holt again.

“Katie, wh- what are you _doing_ out here!?” He asks, pulling away to look at her with teary eyes, Katie starts giggling again, and Matt only looks more confused, and he starts to put the pieces together. “KATIE, YOU’RE _VOLTRON?!_ ” Matt shouts, and she nods, tears forming in her eyes now as well.

“Yes, and you’re some badass rebel space soldier! Do you know how cool that is?!” She quips back, and then the two are holding each other again, and crying even harder.

It’s an amazing sight. While the people watching don’t know the full story of Katherine and Matthew Holt, they can see in their smiles and tearful eyes, and the tenderness of their reunion just how much love they had for each other, just how strong of a bond the two of them share. There is no bond stronger than family, whether it be blood or not, and the proof is in the hearts of the Holt siblings as, after two years, the universe finally brings them back together.

It feels like hours when the two finally pull apart again, and Matt uses the back of his glove to wipe at his little sister’s eyes.

“Don’t cry, Katie,” he says, like he always does. “You found me.”

**Author's Note:**

> i literally hate this sm which is why it has been put on anon LMAO


End file.
